The unruly lives of Lagos’ penises
NOTE: The use of penises in this thesis is contextual. How you interpret the word is not the author’s business. But bear it in mind it has no pornographic meaning(s). After all, a penis is just a part of male anatomy.
It’s hard to ignore how penises are flying around in Lagos, how they are creeping out of nooks and crannies and irrigate the city. In Lagos, you will see how penises are peeping out of their owners’ pants and are pouring out water that could irrigate the Sahara desert. It won’t be a taboo if the Lagos state government decides to add an image of the phallus to the state’s logo.
In Lagos, it’s impossible to trek, say, a mile or two, without being assaulted by penises of different shapes, sizes, and colours. The owners of those penises don’t care about you: they would look you straight in the eye, smile at you, and wink as they are doing their peeing businesses. Some of those guys have no shame: if you’re a lady and you’re passing by when they are peeing, and you look at them in disdain, or hisses when you accidentally run into them, some would turn to you, wink, and point at their dangling penises and ask maybe you need some touch of their flaccid meats in your life. Some are even cruder: they would abuse you and talk about your vagina as though they have seen it or been there before.
In Lagos, penises are ubiquitous just like the popular Volkswagen Kombi (Danfo) that plies her streets. In markets, penises are always buying, selling and wrangle some urine on walls that have been blemished by their acidic fluid. Even thousands of ‘Don’t-urinate-here’ signs, or ‘Abeg-nor piss-for-here’, or ‘Piss-for-here and-pay-1000 fine, or signs with curses could not stop them from sending down the rains between the bushy and stinking ‘cloud’ of their groins.
As you are negotiating the roads or dribbling your way out of Lagos’ traffic, don’t be surprised when you’re greeted by penises that are busy dribbling out urine while their owners are whistling and enjoying the euphoric relief of peeing.
Penises are at the car parks, too. As the agberos and conductors are wailing their destinations, their penises are somewhere behind vehicles ‘wailing’ out urine on tyres, bonnets, and into the murky and stinking Lagos’ gutters.
The penises at beer parlours are the most villains of Lagos penises. As the urine-coloured beers are going into the stomachs, they seem to disturb the stomachs, pump more water into the bladders, and the bladders would send signals that would make penises and their owners uncomfortable. The owners of those penises would stagger and angrily pump out ultra stinking urine that could flood Lagos and put Lagos’ lagoon to shame.
